Best Friend Rights and Responsibilities

by Mindy Kaling

I CAN BORROWER ALL YOUR CLOTHES
Anything in your closet, no matter how fancy, is co-owned by me, your best friend. I can borrow it for as long as I want. If I get something on it or lose, I should make all good faith attempts to get it cleaned or buy you a new one, but I don’t need to do that, and you still have to love me. If I ruin something of yours and don’t replace it, you’re allowed to talk shit about me to your other friends for one calender year. That’s it. Then you have to get over it. One stipulation to my borrowing your clothes is that you have to have worn the item one before I borrower it. I’m not a monster.

WE SLEEP IN THE SAME BED
If we’re on a trip or if our boyfriends are away, and there’s a bed bigger than a twin, we’re partnering up. It is super weird for us not to share a bed. How else will we talk until we fall asleep?

I MUST BE 1OO PERCENT HONEST ABOUT HOW YOU LOOK, BUT GENTLE
Your boyfriend is never going to tell you that your skirt is too tight and riding up too high on you. In fact, you shouldn’t even have asked him, poor guy. He wants to have sex with you no matter how pudgy you are. I am the only person besides your mom who has the right (and responsibility) to tell you that. I should never be overly harsh when something doesn’t look that good on you, because I know you are fragile about this, and so am I. I will employ the gentle, vague expression, “I’m not crazy about that on you,” which should mean to you “Holy shit, take that off, that looks terrible!” I owe it to you to give you feedback like a cattle prod: painful, but quick.

I CAN DITCH YOU, WITHIN REASON
I can ditch you to hang out with a guy but only if that possibility has been discussed and getting-a-ride-home practicalities have been work out, prior to the event. In return, I need to talk about you a lot with that guy so he knows how much I love you.

I WILL TAKE CARE OF YOUR KID IF YOU DIE
I can’t even write about this, it’s too sad. But yes, I will do that. And you will have one awesome little kid who hears endless stories about how amazing and beautiful and perfect you were. Incidentally, your kid will grow up loving Indian food.

I WILL NURSE YOU BACK TO HEALTH
If you are crippled in pain because of a UTI, I need to haul ass to CVS to get you some medicine fast. I should also try to pick up a fashion magazine and the candy you like, because distracting you from your pain is part of nursing you back to health.

WE WILL TRADE OFF BEING SOCIAL ACTIVITIES CHAIR FOR OUR OUTINGS
On trips together, I promise to man up and be the person who drives the rental car sometimes, or uses my credit card and has people pay me back later. Someone needs to check on Yelp and see what a good brunch place is. Neither of us gets to be the princess all the time. I get that.

I WILL KEEP YOUR FAVORITE FEMININE HYGIENE PRODUCT AT MY HOUSE
Even though no one uses maxipads anymore, like you do, weirdo, I will keep a box at my house for when you come over.

SAME WITH YOUR CONTACT LENS SOLUTION
I can’t believe you won’t get lasik already. You can afford it. I know you read someone went blind from it, but that was like twenty years ago. Not getting lasik at this point is like being that girl in 2006 who didn’t have a cell phone.

I WILL TRY TO LIKE YOUR BOYFRIEND FIVE TIMES
This is a fair number of times to hang out with your boyfriend and withhold judgement.

WHEN I TAKE A SHOWER AT YOUR PLACE, I WON’T DROP THE TOWEL ON THE FLOOR
Your home isn’t a hotel. I forget sometimes because you make it so comfortable for me.

IF YOU’RE DEPRESSED, I WILL BE THERE FOR YOU
As everyone know, depressed people are some of the most boring people in the world. I know this because when I was depressed, people fled. Except my best friends.
I will be there for you during your horrible break-up, for getting fired from your job, or if you’re just having a bad couples of months or year. I will hate it and find you really tedious, but I promise I won’t abandon you.

IF YOUR PHONE CONVERSATION GETS DISCONNECTED, THERE IS NO NEED TO CALL BACK
I get you. You get it. We take forever getting off the phone anyway. This was a blessing.

I WILL HATE AND RE-LIKE PEOPLE FOR YOU
But you can’t get mad if I can’t keep track. Robbie? Don’t we hate him? No, we love him? okay okay sorry.

IT IS OK TO TAKE ME FOR GRANTED
I know when you fall in love with someone you will completely forget about me. That hurts my feelings, but it is ok. Please try and remember to text me, if you can, if you know I have something going on in my life, like a work promotion or something.

NO TWO PEOPLE ARE BETTER THAN US.
We f-ing rock. No one can beat us.

*excerpts from her book “Is Everyone Hanging Out Without me?”

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